Michael Fish & his gang of merry liars...

Firstly, I am on adverts, again, but, someone please explain to me what the fucking fuck the Toyota adverts are all about?? 'Got a machine that makes pasta' Fuck off. Just fuck off. Cars don't make pasta you complete cockend. Cars don't have anything to do with pasta. It's so ridiculous, and ultimately, extremely annoying.

Anyway, this Indian summer is a bit of alright isn't it..... erm, yeah, it's just like any other September. Fucking miserable. We all know what Septembers are like, it's not the first one we have lived through, so why do people keep going on about the bastard weather!? Nothing else to talk about? Talk about the weather. No, nothing else to talk about? Keep it shut. How can Indian Summer be a trending topic on twitter? Do people really have so little going on in their lives? I personally think that the weather presenters all have little get-togethers where they decide to play tricks on us, knowing that September is a really rubbishy month, decided it would be hilarious to whip us all up into a frenzy by promising sun and warmth. Fuck reading/watching/listening to the weather, I find, looking out the window or venturing outside to be the best method of finding out whats going on out there.

Did we all watch X Factor this weekend? Don't you think that Kitty girl just needs to fuck off? I am pretty certain I saw A LOT of her vajayjay last night, more than once. It's quite sad really, that she thinks the only way she can get noticed is to dress like a slapper and flash her fandola. She's quite clearly another Katie Weasel, and we all hated her, don't these people watch the previous shows and learn?? As for that Goldie one? I have no words, just proves my suspicions of Louis Walsh are correct, he is a complete cocknocker, and is also tone deaf. That said, I will still be watching every week, because I love a circus.

Lastly, just because I am watching Corrie, Leanne Barlow has a mouth like a cats bum preserved in vinegar, and Rosie Webster a model? Fuck off. To coin Zoolander, a model idiot.

Can't read my, can't read my, no you can't read my Fuckery....

because I have been to bloody busy to write anything! Apologies fuckfans, but I am back with you now. Hurrah hurrah!

Well I am a bit late with this, but how bloody boring was Downton Abbey??? I was disappointed, it could have easily been fit into an hour. The only saving grace, was Dame Maggie Smith and her fab one-liners. For that reason, I will be watching again, but if Rob James Collier doesn't get his kit off soon, I will be really upset! At the very least he needs more airtime. A lot more airtime. When they killed off his character in Corrie, I was devastated... less said about my Corrie obsession the better. Moving swiftly on.....

Can anyone explain 'fun fur' to me?? There is nothing fun about it, it looks shite. I got an email fro ASOS the other day, look at the bloody state of it! If I wanted to look like a twat, I'd just write TWAT on my head and be done with it.

I am laughing at that photo, its ludicrous, she looks stupid. If I see anyone wearing these fun fur armwarmers, I will laugh in their face. Eejits.

My last little rant is about the DVLA. Have you ever tried to contact them by phone? I do not recommend it. Talk about frustrating. No less than 4 minutes 19 seconds of options before I could actually speak to someone, and that was my second attempt. Total fuckery. Have people not come to the realisation yet that these automated pick an option robots serve one purpose and one purpose only - to wind people up. Fair enough to pick the department you need, but to press 1 if a document is with you, 2 if it is not!? Bloody hell, if your phone operators cant ask that then they really need to be in another job.

I was going to write a bit about Beverley Callard and her pals getting thier kit off in protest at ageism in TV, but I just can't find the words. Utter Fuckery.

Filled with fuckery...

Downton Abbey - boring

ASOS - 'fun fur' accessories

the phrase 'fun fur'

Old gits in the DM stripping off.

Dale Farm

Fashion Fuckery, Jacko, and a Slanket

Hello fuckery fans... yes I am talking to myself.. really need to do something about that... anyway.. first up, strapless dresses.. more specifically, strapless dresses strategically hanging from nipples.. It's a trend that I just do not understand, whether on overinflated funbags, or totally deflated a la Ms. Moss, it just looks awful. Hoik those dresses up to where they belong, and you will look a damn sight better. Perhaps don't drag yourself through a bush backwards too Kate, every little helps.

Whilst on the subject of 'fashion', Hilary Alexander, Fashion Director at the Telegraph was spotted at LFW looking like a fucking hobo, in cheetah print baseball boots. I'll be damned if someone who wears shoes likes that is going to influence what I wear. Fucking bag lady.

Jermaine Jackson has been doing the rounds again, trying to vilify Michael and telling us not to listen to any of the nasty things that will be said about him in the coming weeks. Anyone that can name thier child 'Jermasjesty' is a complete and utter fucknut, and as such, should not be listened to. What a complete bunch of loons that family are. I do hope that now they aren't being forced to wear masks and dangled from balconies, his children have a somewhat more normal upbringing. Jermajesty, I mean really! I don't think I will ever get over that one!

Lastly, I am bloody bastard freezing. I am actually shivering. I refuse to put the heating on though, in fact, I am going to attempt to get through the winter without it. There is no way I am paying 18% more than last year just so those robbing bastards at British Gas can swell the coffers even further. How they can justify increasing prices when they are making such huge profits is beyond me, its not as if they are a small independant and are struggling to make ends meet. It's completely ridiculous. To help in this endeavour, I shall be investing in a slanket! Oh yes, I am really going to rock the OAP look this winter, and as long as it means I am not giving BG my hard earned cash, I will be happy.

For those of you that aren't familiar, that ↑↑ is a slanket, does it not just look so cosy and inviting?!? Get involved.

JERMAJESTY! Pah!

xx

Tuesday Fuckery... Amy Childs & Harvester

Firstly, lets kick off with the most ludicrous thing I have read today...

AMY CHILDS ''I WAS NERVOUS ABOUT POSING IN MY BIKINI''

Fuck off, fuck off, fuck OFF! I see by the accompanying pictures that she was a brave little soldier and managed to get her kit off. Nothing at all to do with the no doubt ridiculous sum of money being offered. I'd like to say well done to the photographer, her nerves don't come across in the photos at all. Unfortunately, he along with anyone else thats ever taken a picture of her, has failed to make her look anything less than dead behind the eyes. That, I suspect, is because she is. Mind you, she isn't paid to think is she. Without going off on some feministic rant, I just hate to think that this is what children are looking up to and aspiring to be.

Moving swiftly on, I missed something out of my little advertising rant t'other day! Silly me!!

Dear Advertising Execs at Harvester,

What the actual fucking fuckity fuck is a 'Comma piri chicken' or a 'Comma garlic sauce' 'Hold the corn on the cob - OK!'

If you could please let me know, it will stop me from wondering. Which would be nice.

Love me.

x

I suspect that she is actually meant to be saying 'combo' which leads me to believe that aforementioned advertising tossers are deaf, as she is blatantly saying comma. Comma fucking chicken, its just stupid.

Do let me know your most hated adverts! (That's assuming anyone is reading) I would be reassured to know I am not alone in this angst...

xx

Sunday Fuckery....

Adverts.. love them or loath them, and I mainly choose the latter, they are everywhere.

Lets start with the latest Haribo advert... Oh so smooth, love them soft, squidgy, squidgy baby' Sorry, is this an advert for sweets or for tits?? It's a prime example of fuckery. Their previous offering was just as bad 'sign the fession!' The only thing I'd sign if you were my child is the adoption papers.

I think the most annoying thing though, and the real reason I would love to slap an advertising exec, is their ability to stick this shit into my head, not only imprint it to my brain, but make me repeat it. Over, and over, and over. What did I ever do to you??? Bastards.

Second fuckery - miserable shop assistants. If you don't like people, don't work in a fucking shop. If you hate your job, don't take it out on me, you utter dipshit. Why stand there scowling at me because I dare to purchase an item in your shop. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt the very important task of you staring into space.

Managers of retail consortium's also need to have a severe word with themselves. Why make your staff ask such ridiculous questions??? Of course I want a bag, I am not going to balance my weeks shopping on my bloody head! If I don't produce my own bag the moment the item is scanned, use your initiative and just hand me a sodding bag! Do I want an aero for £1?? Of course I don't! Look at the size of my arse! We both know, no good can come from me buying your stupid bar of chocolate. Would I like any stamps or top ups? Of course fucking not! If I did, I would have asked!!! I tell you, it's just Fuckery!

Friday Fuckery

Why, in a tub of M&S olives, are 50% of them always rank? More importantly, knowing this, why do I continue to purchase them?

Why, when I am dressed for Autumn, does it now feel practically tropical? I now glow. Not in that dewy, sexy shimmery way, but in that 'I'm too fucking hot and I can't take of my cardigan' way.

Why can marketeers not stop making my life hell? I really do not want to discuss the emotional attachment you form with a piece of chocolate shaped like a demonic bunny. In fact, if you try that line of discussion with me again, I will have no choice but to tell you what a fuckwit you really are.

And last, but by no means least....

Why, and this is a big why, do some people insist on adopting babyish tones when talking about cuddly toys? Are these the same people that adorn the parcel shelves of thier cars with them? Fair enough if you have children, I suppose. However, I suspect that these people, do not have children, and are essentially just MASSIVE twats.

xx

Utter Fuckery that is... Celebrity Big Brother

Well, who saw that coming? Jedward 3rd??? Really?? The show would have been a flop without them... I say that based on nothing, I haven't even been watching the main show. I've been watching CCBOTS, mainly because someone I had a massive crush on as a teenager has been co-presenting. Back on topic, Kerry Katona? Second? Who votes for this stuff?? She is hideous, and I don't mean in terms of appearance. The persona that she depicts is not endearing to me, not at all. She is gobby, she gurns, she is rude. She claims she went on CBB to make her children proud?? Try getting a regular job, not one that takes you away from them for 3 week so you can boost your flagging popularity. I am just at odds with everything she says. In my opinion, surely what those 4 children need is stability and normality, a regular routine, where at least their mother has a constant presence in their lives. I think, if she really wanted to make them happy, she'd give up these dreams of a celeb life, after all, she has no discernible talent, if she has, its been well hidden.