Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

I've got this colleague, we'll call him Peter. Peter is the biggest buffoon I have ever met. Last week I had to give up my office to make way for a new staff member (unfair much!?), and now I am back in a shared office. Sitting next to Peter.

You know the phrase 'full of hot air', well Peter is the epitomy of this. He guffaws and chunters almost constantly, I suspect that indeed, he may actually be full of hot air. There can be no other explanation for the ungodly amount of noise that he makes.

When Peter isn't chuntering or guffawing, he is talking to himself. Loudly. He talks to himself in such a manner, that you know it's for show. It's an 'oh I'm so busy and I want the world to know it' not, talking himself quietly and methodically through what he needs to get done.

Not one incident can pass without over dramatisation. I've been sitting next to Peter for 5 days now, and I can not accurately articulate just how much he winds me up. 

Peter winding me isn't a new phenomenon, he has always got on my tits, but previously when I've heard his bellowing and guffawing,  I've been able to laugh it off and take the piss, but now, it's in my face, for 8  long, torturous hours a day. 

Peter has a multitude of ridiculous phrases, which he trots out several times during the course of the day.  I swear, Ricky Gervais could have used Peter as inspiration for David Brent. 

When entering the office 'Hallo Peeps' (huge emphasis on both words) We work in an office, not some low budget afternoon game show. 

When leaving the office 'Sees yah' (again, huge emphasis on both words, usually accompanied by some overly gestured wave.  

Peter is the kind of person that will ring you and say 'Sorry to catch you on the hop' Erm, firstly, how do you know that the person on the other end of the phone is hopping?! Secondly, if you were really sorry, you wouldn't be bloody phoning them! 

Spank you instead of thank you - this Isn't just once, it's every. Single. Time. 

Belt and Braces. He likes to use this to let you know that he has covered every eventuality.  Invariably, he hasn't. 

When a situation arises where bad news has to be given to a customer, he like to say 'Shall we play this one good cop bad cop?' No Peter, we aren't on an American cop show, and I have no desire to play anything with you.  Unless he suggests a game of chicken, which I would happily watch him play. 

Every instruction given to Peter will be responded to with 'clear as mud'.  He thinks this is really funny.  Like, REALLY funny.  Is isn't.

Today, Peter asked what would we do if he got hit by a bus.  My response?  'Celebrate'.  I was being deadly serious.  Peter laughed. 

There are many thing that I would like to say to you....

Here are just a few of the random thoughts that I wish I could actually just say to people, mostly at work, where I am wound up on an almost hourly basis by various people.

I do think at least one day a week, we should all just be able to say what we want, to whom, with no repercussion. Don't you think it would be cathartic? I'm going to suggest Thursdays

'You great lummox, it's 'out' not 'aht'

I loath a broad Derby accent with a passion, it's such a lazy way to talk.

'You're probably thoroughly insulated and therefore not in need of any extra layers'

To anyone complaining about being cold. Including myself.

'I'm fine thanks, as I was the last 4 times you asked me'

Is there ever any need to ask someone more than once if they are alright? I think not.

'Your bum gets better every day.... please spend more time walking past my window'

Just don't wear a diamond earring when you do it.

'There is never any need to get that close to me. Pipe the fuck down'

Invasion of personal space by a colleague is a big fucking deal. Move. Away.

'Are you fucking kidding me?'

In Kristen Wiig voice, several times throughout everyday, to several people


'Did you cut your hair with gardening shears?'

I think the standard with haircuts should be, compliment if you actually like, ignore if you don't. On this one though, I was asked outright for my opinion.

'Just fucking listen to me'

to my son, all day, every day. Kids. Meh.

'I can see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is bla bla bla'

To people that talk for the sake of it, I think we all know them, hey, some may even say I am one of them!

' Walk into my office singing one more time and I will launch a heavy object at your head.'

Self explantory. Just stop being such a dick.

'Oh look, you've updated your employment on Facebook to 'Yummy Mummy at Mummies R Us', what a grade A c*nt you are'

This doesnt make you cutesy, or mumsy, it just makes you cuntsy. See also writing status' about potty training. No one else cares.

'Nudge my chair as you walk past me one more time and I shall break your face.'

I suppose I should point out that I don't advocate violence, nor do I really know how to break someone's face.

Needless to say, I am irritated.

The one where you realise that your life has turned to shit...

And that no-one really cares...

Ok, that could be a slight over dramatisation, but actually, it's probably more accurate than you think. That in itself is a sad admission.

So here I am again, another weekend, spent alone, wondering exactly when things got so go damn lonely? I've been on a downward spiral since before Christmas, and I really need it to stop. Over the last two weeks particularly, I have recognised that I've been making bad decisions, and to combat this, I've been retreating to my bed. That isn't healthy. Especially when I want to stay there, all the time. To get up every day, is a struggle, and something that you just have to get over when you have a child to look after. I don't want him to look back on his teenage years and only remember his mum being in bed and crying.

You may think I am being dramatic, but really, I'm not, even my friends would rather socialise with pensioners. You think I'm exaggerating? I'm not.

I still miss Jenny, it comes and goes, but recently I feel like I am being hit with waves of emotion, and the smallest things remind me of her, and they overwhelm and consume me, and I wish for just one moment that life could rewind to when we were 17 and we could both do things differently. Would different choices have led us to be friends again? Perhaps not, who knows.

As for work, well, it's not even worth writing about so far fetched and ridiculous it has got. However, I'm taking steps to rectify that, and fully intend to throw myself into my next project entirely, I need to regain focus, and have something to aim for. Will I succeed? I bloody hope so.

This has been Nicola Mackenzie, feeling VERY sorry for herself, and I hope that next time I write, I shan't be.