Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
I've got this colleague, we'll call him Peter. Peter is the biggest buffoon I have ever met. Last week I had to give up my office to make way for a new staff member (unfair much!?), and now I am back in a shared office. Sitting next to Peter.
You know the phrase 'full of hot air', well Peter is the epitomy of this. He guffaws and chunters almost constantly, I suspect that indeed, he may actually be full of hot air. There can be no other explanation for the ungodly amount of noise that he makes.
When Peter isn't chuntering or guffawing, he is talking to himself. Loudly. He talks to himself in such a manner, that you know it's for show. It's an 'oh I'm so busy and I want the world to know it' not, talking himself quietly and methodically through what he needs to get done.
Not one incident can pass without over dramatisation. I've been sitting next to Peter for 5 days now, and I can not accurately articulate just how much he winds me up.
Peter winding me isn't a new phenomenon, he has always got on my tits, but previously when I've heard his bellowing and guffawing, I've been able to laugh it off and take the piss, but now, it's in my face, for 8 long, torturous hours a day.
Peter has a multitude of ridiculous phrases, which he trots out several times during the course of the day. I swear, Ricky Gervais could have used Peter as inspiration for David Brent.
When entering the office 'Hallo Peeps' (huge emphasis on both words) We work in an office, not some low budget afternoon game show.
When leaving the office 'Sees yah' (again, huge emphasis on both words, usually accompanied by some overly gestured wave.
Peter is the kind of person that will ring you and say 'Sorry to catch you on the hop' Erm, firstly, how do you know that the person on the other end of the phone is hopping?! Secondly, if you were really sorry, you wouldn't be bloody phoning them!
Spank you instead of thank you - this Isn't just once, it's every. Single. Time.
Belt and Braces. He likes to use this to let you know that he has covered every eventuality. Invariably, he hasn't.
When a situation arises where bad news has to be given to a customer, he like to say 'Shall we play this one good cop bad cop?' No Peter, we aren't on an American cop show, and I have no desire to play anything with you. Unless he suggests a game of chicken, which I would happily watch him play.
Every instruction given to Peter will be responded to with 'clear as mud'. He thinks this is really funny. Like, REALLY funny. Is isn't.
Today, Peter asked what would we do if he got hit by a bus. My response? 'Celebrate'. I was being deadly serious. Peter laughed.
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