Ok, that could be a slight over dramatisation, but actually, it's probably more accurate than you think. That in itself is a sad admission.
So here I am again, another weekend, spent alone, wondering exactly when things got so go damn lonely? I've been on a downward spiral since before Christmas, and I really need it to stop. Over the last two weeks particularly, I have recognised that I've been making bad decisions, and to combat this, I've been retreating to my bed. That isn't healthy. Especially when I want to stay there, all the time. To get up every day, is a struggle, and something that you just have to get over when you have a child to look after. I don't want him to look back on his teenage years and only remember his mum being in bed and crying.
You may think I am being dramatic, but really, I'm not, even my friends would rather socialise with pensioners. You think I'm exaggerating? I'm not.
I still miss Jenny, it comes and goes, but recently I feel like I am being hit with waves of emotion, and the smallest things remind me of her, and they overwhelm and consume me, and I wish for just one moment that life could rewind to when we were 17 and we could both do things differently. Would different choices have led us to be friends again? Perhaps not, who knows.
As for work, well, it's not even worth writing about so far fetched and ridiculous it has got. However, I'm taking steps to rectify that, and fully intend to throw myself into my next project entirely, I need to regain focus, and have something to aim for. Will I succeed? I bloody hope so.
This has been Nicola Mackenzie, feeling VERY sorry for herself, and I hope that next time I write, I shan't be.
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