There are many thing that I would like to say to you....

Here are just a few of the random thoughts that I wish I could actually just say to people, mostly at work, where I am wound up on an almost hourly basis by various people.

I do think at least one day a week, we should all just be able to say what we want, to whom, with no repercussion. Don't you think it would be cathartic? I'm going to suggest Thursdays

'You great lummox, it's 'out' not 'aht'

I loath a broad Derby accent with a passion, it's such a lazy way to talk.

'You're probably thoroughly insulated and therefore not in need of any extra layers'

To anyone complaining about being cold. Including myself.

'I'm fine thanks, as I was the last 4 times you asked me'

Is there ever any need to ask someone more than once if they are alright? I think not.

'Your bum gets better every day.... please spend more time walking past my window'

Just don't wear a diamond earring when you do it.

'There is never any need to get that close to me. Pipe the fuck down'

Invasion of personal space by a colleague is a big fucking deal. Move. Away.

'Are you fucking kidding me?'

In Kristen Wiig voice, several times throughout everyday, to several people


'Did you cut your hair with gardening shears?'

I think the standard with haircuts should be, compliment if you actually like, ignore if you don't. On this one though, I was asked outright for my opinion.

'Just fucking listen to me'

to my son, all day, every day. Kids. Meh.

'I can see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is bla bla bla'

To people that talk for the sake of it, I think we all know them, hey, some may even say I am one of them!

' Walk into my office singing one more time and I will launch a heavy object at your head.'

Self explantory. Just stop being such a dick.

'Oh look, you've updated your employment on Facebook to 'Yummy Mummy at Mummies R Us', what a grade A c*nt you are'

This doesnt make you cutesy, or mumsy, it just makes you cuntsy. See also writing status' about potty training. No one else cares.

'Nudge my chair as you walk past me one more time and I shall break your face.'

I suppose I should point out that I don't advocate violence, nor do I really know how to break someone's face.

Needless to say, I am irritated.