Two blogs in one day? Like the ambassador, I really am spoiling you. Todays real rant is about 'Celebrity (and I use that term loosely) Fitness DVD's.
These days, your not anybody until you've got a fitness DVD out, and I just think it takes the piss!! You can't watch anything without some vapid twat popping up to tell you that with thier routine they managed to turn thier flabby gut from fat to fab. Only, it's bollocks isnt it. None of these women ever managed to transform thier figures by these stupid DVDs alone, so why are they allowed to purport that they are?!
Kerry Katona, Hannah Waterman, Jennifer Ellison, Natalie Cassidy, Colleen Nolan, Jessie Wallace, Christine Bleakley, Geri Halliwell, the list goes on and on and on.
Of course Kerry Katona was going to lose weight, not living on a diet of kebabs chips and currys and also going to intensive bootcamps will do that for you.
Hannah Waterman and Natalie Cassidy have both since come forward to say that they hated being thin as thier DVD body, and the maintenance was too much.
I am convinced, that these dozy mares pile on the pounds on purpose, just so they can like the caterpillar from the chrysalis emerge as a beautiful butterfly, ready to show thier new marvellousness to the world.
Apparently Crissy Rock is going to be doing one.. surely it will only be 2 minutes long, as thats all it takes to say 'go into the jungle and dont eat for 3 weeks, the pounds will fall off'.
Don't even get me started on the silly bints with eating disorders that bring them out - Geri Body Yoga anyone? Body yoga?! Is there any other kind?! And as for Jordan and her juicing diet?! Of course you are going to be the size of a rake if you subsitute meals for juice, its common bloody sense.
I really can't understand the sort of person that gets drawn into this web, and actually purchases these items? It's simple... want to lose weight.. eat less, move more.
Now where did I put those chocolate digestives....
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
Friday, 30 December 2011
2011... Thank you and fuck you.
Well, it's that time of year, we all roll out the cliches, yeah, next year is going to be the best ever! Woooo let's all high five. What if it isn't though? What if, completely out of your control, your whole world cataclysmicly implodes? How do you get over that? No really, how? 2011 has been the worst year for me, ever. Believe me, there have been a few contenders. The difference between those years and this, is, that when things went wrong before, I was instrumental to that, I made the wrong choices, I fucked up, I learnt from it.
In February, I nearly lost my sister, after a long hospital battle, she is fine, and it's amazing that she's still here, but it doesn't take away the horrendous moment when a doctor tells you that he's basically fighting to keep alive someone you'd been talking to less than an hour before. That's something I shall never get over, ever. However, she's alive, she's doing well, and I'm grateful.
I've also lost my best friend 5 weeks ago, and that's something I know I won't recover from. The pain and the anger that I feel can not be put into words, nor can the huge hole in my life that's been left. The regrets, and guilt I feel will stay with me. There is nothing anyone can say that will change the way I currently feel.
I know in time, that the cliches that people keep saying to me will actually become reality, but at the moment, thats all they are, cliches.
Thats not to say this year has been all bad, it's had its good parts too, it's just that I am finding it difficult to focus on them at the moment. However, I know that I can not continue moping, and that the new year is a new start, where I shall attempt to be me again, and actually live my life rather than just exist. I know that the only person that can make me feel better is me.
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
Merry Fucking Christmas
Apologies once again for the fuckery hiatus (for those of you that actually give a fuck) one of my closest friends passed away 3 weeks ago, and to say I am devastated doesn't even come close.
However, I shall endevour to blog more next year, what a little treat that will be for one and all.... if I have any readers left by then....
Until then, I shall leave you with this....
xx
Friday, 18 November 2011
It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday...
Rebecca Black you little.. no, must not call a child a bitch.. ok, Rebecca Blacks mother, you little bitch, why oh why did you ever let your daughter record a song? It's stuck in my head and will not go away! If you're reading this, and know the song, I hope it sticks with you for the day too. I don't see why I should be alone in my plight. I suppose it could be worse, I was singing the Fireman Sam theme tune the other day, obviously, because you can not ignore, Sam is the hero next door.
Anyway.... moving swiftly on, Sepp Blatter is a prick isn't he! And fairly obviously corrupt - can't they just get rid of him? Stupid little man.
Back on the driving thing again, and I apologise, but there are so many driving related things that wind me up, today, it's crawler lanes. Not the lane itself, but the people that can not use them. Don't drive up the right hand lane at a snails pace and expect me not to beep and gesticulate at you, just move in and get out my fucking way! You could tell me I sound like an aggressive driver, and of course I would stick 2 fingers up and tell you to fuck off.. Aggressive? Me? Never.
Have you watched Eastenders recently? I did it last night. 30 minutes of my life I will never get back. I am pretty sure it was the same episode as last time I watched it.. Kat cheated on Alfie, gave the dirty girl speech. All very sad. Janine had an argument with Fat Pat, told Pat she felt she'd never been loved. All very sad. Phil Mitchell did some crimes. Feels remorseful, all very sad. Michael Moon is a mixed up wee child. All very sad. Recurring theme here? Why do people watch this tripe? Why do we pay for this tripe? Can it and give me an extra series of Frozen Planet. Eastenders will just never be a patch on Corrie.
And lastly... did you get excited yesterday by the launch of Versace for H&M? If you did, please explain to me, why? Now I am no fashionista, I know what looks good on me, and I tend to stick to it. I do know however, when a collection is full of crap. To me, that's exactly what this was. A massive ploy to rip off desperate consumers, whilst making them look like complete idiotic sheep. Seriously, if tacky is your thing, get down to your local indoor market, there are plenty of stalls that will give you a very similar look for a fraction of the price. Just because something is pricey, does not automatically mean it looks good. Don't get me wrong, I am sure there are one or two items which are alright, but I for one can not get excited about it. I was watching LK today (or whatever it's called now) on Wednesday, and Lorraine and Mark Heyes were practically orgasming over a black Versace dress. It was a joke. Go purchase yourself a regular black shift dress, next visit the haberdashers for some oversize gold buttons, sew them to previously purchased shift dress - job done, the same look for a fraction of the price. I couldn't view the whole collection as the H&M site was down for most of the day, but I did come across this little beauty.
If you see any man wearing this ensemble, I implore you to point and laugh. If he looks too offended, just go and shake his hand. If it works for Sepp Blatter.......
Anyway.... moving swiftly on, Sepp Blatter is a prick isn't he! And fairly obviously corrupt - can't they just get rid of him? Stupid little man.
Back on the driving thing again, and I apologise, but there are so many driving related things that wind me up, today, it's crawler lanes. Not the lane itself, but the people that can not use them. Don't drive up the right hand lane at a snails pace and expect me not to beep and gesticulate at you, just move in and get out my fucking way! You could tell me I sound like an aggressive driver, and of course I would stick 2 fingers up and tell you to fuck off.. Aggressive? Me? Never.
Have you watched Eastenders recently? I did it last night. 30 minutes of my life I will never get back. I am pretty sure it was the same episode as last time I watched it.. Kat cheated on Alfie, gave the dirty girl speech. All very sad. Janine had an argument with Fat Pat, told Pat she felt she'd never been loved. All very sad. Phil Mitchell did some crimes. Feels remorseful, all very sad. Michael Moon is a mixed up wee child. All very sad. Recurring theme here? Why do people watch this tripe? Why do we pay for this tripe? Can it and give me an extra series of Frozen Planet. Eastenders will just never be a patch on Corrie.
And lastly... did you get excited yesterday by the launch of Versace for H&M? If you did, please explain to me, why? Now I am no fashionista, I know what looks good on me, and I tend to stick to it. I do know however, when a collection is full of crap. To me, that's exactly what this was. A massive ploy to rip off desperate consumers, whilst making them look like complete idiotic sheep. Seriously, if tacky is your thing, get down to your local indoor market, there are plenty of stalls that will give you a very similar look for a fraction of the price. Just because something is pricey, does not automatically mean it looks good. Don't get me wrong, I am sure there are one or two items which are alright, but I for one can not get excited about it. I was watching LK today (or whatever it's called now) on Wednesday, and Lorraine and Mark Heyes were practically orgasming over a black Versace dress. It was a joke. Go purchase yourself a regular black shift dress, next visit the haberdashers for some oversize gold buttons, sew them to previously purchased shift dress - job done, the same look for a fraction of the price. I couldn't view the whole collection as the H&M site was down for most of the day, but I did come across this little beauty.
If you see any man wearing this ensemble, I implore you to point and laugh. If he looks too offended, just go and shake his hand. If it works for Sepp Blatter.......
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
What's getting on my tits this week....
Hello fuckery fans, what can I say? I am a bad blogger! None of this 3 blogs a day lark plus 90 tweets a day to tell you about it from me!
Quality, not quantity. Or, in this case, neither, just neurotic rambling from moi!
Well, you’re here now, you might as well find out whats been annoying me this week.
Numero uno! Drivers with their fog lights on when its not fucking foggy! A light drizzle of rain should not impede your vision whilst driving. If it does, may I suggest you rescind your driving license and get on a fucking bus instead.
2. Christmas countdowns. Highly unnecessary, utterly annoying, just shut the fuck up. We all know when Christmas is, it’s the same date every year regardless. Always has been, more than likely always will be. For those that do struggle, there’s even an advent calendar to help you countdown the days. I know people get excited about it, me too, I freaking love Christmas, but, I love Christmas on Christmas day, not any other day, I don’t spend months getting excited about it, and I’d really like others to stop to. Talk to me in December. Oh, and put your decorations up before 1st December?? I will never speak to you again, because frankly, you are an idiot.
3. Derby City Council. What a bunch of complete and utter cockends. Derby City Council are strapped for cash. So strapped for cash that they are culling services for those that need them desperately, disabled people, the elderly etc. Closing day centres, care homes, respite facilities, basically, taking away services from those that really need it, and unlike lazy dole-ite bastards, actually do rely on council funding. Nice to know then, in this darkened period of austerity, that we are paying for some lovely plush new offices for the cockends, from our council tax. Also nice to know, that’s we are all paying for Gareth Gates to switch on our Christmas lights this year. Gareth fucking Gates!?? Whoever came up with this idea, you are a complete moron. Why the fuck does anyone want to see a reject from a talent show 10 years ago switch the lights on?? I’d love to know how much we’re wasting on that!
And lastly, soggy lettuce in sandwiches. It’s just fucking unnecessary. M&S if you can’t keep it crisp and fresh, get it the fuck out of your sandwiches.
So, that’s not bad really, only 4 things that got on my tits enough for me to rant.
Ciao bellas
Quality, not quantity. Or, in this case, neither, just neurotic rambling from moi!
Well, you’re here now, you might as well find out whats been annoying me this week.
Numero uno! Drivers with their fog lights on when its not fucking foggy! A light drizzle of rain should not impede your vision whilst driving. If it does, may I suggest you rescind your driving license and get on a fucking bus instead.
2. Christmas countdowns. Highly unnecessary, utterly annoying, just shut the fuck up. We all know when Christmas is, it’s the same date every year regardless. Always has been, more than likely always will be. For those that do struggle, there’s even an advent calendar to help you countdown the days. I know people get excited about it, me too, I freaking love Christmas, but, I love Christmas on Christmas day, not any other day, I don’t spend months getting excited about it, and I’d really like others to stop to. Talk to me in December. Oh, and put your decorations up before 1st December?? I will never speak to you again, because frankly, you are an idiot.
3. Derby City Council. What a bunch of complete and utter cockends. Derby City Council are strapped for cash. So strapped for cash that they are culling services for those that need them desperately, disabled people, the elderly etc. Closing day centres, care homes, respite facilities, basically, taking away services from those that really need it, and unlike lazy dole-ite bastards, actually do rely on council funding. Nice to know then, in this darkened period of austerity, that we are paying for some lovely plush new offices for the cockends, from our council tax. Also nice to know, that’s we are all paying for Gareth Gates to switch on our Christmas lights this year. Gareth fucking Gates!?? Whoever came up with this idea, you are a complete moron. Why the fuck does anyone want to see a reject from a talent show 10 years ago switch the lights on?? I’d love to know how much we’re wasting on that!
And lastly, soggy lettuce in sandwiches. It’s just fucking unnecessary. M&S if you can’t keep it crisp and fresh, get it the fuck out of your sandwiches.
So, that’s not bad really, only 4 things that got on my tits enough for me to rant.
Ciao bellas
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
They were married for how long...
Hello fuckerists
I decided that as Kylie has her ‘lovers’, Gaga has her ‘monsters’, Nicole Sherblabla has ‘killers’ and Rihanna has a ‘Navy’, I deserve a name for my (non-existent) band of followers. HELLO FUCKERISTS… kinda catchy don’t you think?? Obvs if it’s good enough for world famous popstars, it’s good enough for me. No? Oh well, tough, it’s staying.
So, everyone is talking about Kim Kardishitwat and her 72 days ‘marriage’… why? Who is she? What does she do? Sweet tit all from what I can see, I think I caught 30 seconds of that Kardashitwat show once. That was enough. I’ve had more interesting catnaps. It just further highlights this celeb culture we live in, where people of no discernible talent are worshipped, and to be honest, I really can’t work out why. Tamara Ecclestone is the next rich twat about to be given a TV show. Why?? Really, why? If you know the answer, or know someone else that does, please let me know. I couldn’t give a fuck about some little rich girl who has never had a care in her life about anything. It’s great that her father made his millions in F1 or whatever, but she hasn’t gone anything, so Tamara, fuck off.
I had been meaning to write about X Factor too.. but the only thing that comes to mind is ‘what a sack of shit’. It’s just really not very good is it. I mean, there isn’t anyone on it that screams talent… mind you, when was the last time there was? Louis’s category is just a joke. Johnny is a nice guy, and I’m sure there is a future for him in PA’s at gay clubs, but I can not see it going further than that. As for Kitty, words fail me – James Harries long lost sister??? It’s all in the eyes! Surely anyone watching Katie Weasel last year would realise that that brooding intense ‘this is my life’ shit does nothing for the great British public. Bring back Darius Danesh, because I can still feel the love in the room.
Lastly, it’s been announced today that Hugh Grant has spawned. All that hoo haa about privacy laws making sense now? Thought so.
Until next time fuck fans.
xx
I decided that as Kylie has her ‘lovers’, Gaga has her ‘monsters’, Nicole Sherblabla has ‘killers’ and Rihanna has a ‘Navy’, I deserve a name for my (non-existent) band of followers. HELLO FUCKERISTS… kinda catchy don’t you think?? Obvs if it’s good enough for world famous popstars, it’s good enough for me. No? Oh well, tough, it’s staying.
So, everyone is talking about Kim Kardishitwat and her 72 days ‘marriage’… why? Who is she? What does she do? Sweet tit all from what I can see, I think I caught 30 seconds of that Kardashitwat show once. That was enough. I’ve had more interesting catnaps. It just further highlights this celeb culture we live in, where people of no discernible talent are worshipped, and to be honest, I really can’t work out why. Tamara Ecclestone is the next rich twat about to be given a TV show. Why?? Really, why? If you know the answer, or know someone else that does, please let me know. I couldn’t give a fuck about some little rich girl who has never had a care in her life about anything. It’s great that her father made his millions in F1 or whatever, but she hasn’t gone anything, so Tamara, fuck off.
I had been meaning to write about X Factor too.. but the only thing that comes to mind is ‘what a sack of shit’. It’s just really not very good is it. I mean, there isn’t anyone on it that screams talent… mind you, when was the last time there was? Louis’s category is just a joke. Johnny is a nice guy, and I’m sure there is a future for him in PA’s at gay clubs, but I can not see it going further than that. As for Kitty, words fail me – James Harries long lost sister??? It’s all in the eyes! Surely anyone watching Katie Weasel last year would realise that that brooding intense ‘this is my life’ shit does nothing for the great British public. Bring back Darius Danesh, because I can still feel the love in the room.
Lastly, it’s been announced today that Hugh Grant has spawned. All that hoo haa about privacy laws making sense now? Thought so.
Until next time fuck fans.
xx
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
Fuckery hiatus....
Unfortunately, there are a few fuckery issues occurring in my life at the moment, and every time I go to write, these things come to the forefront of my mind. They're not issues I can blog about, so until I get over them, I'll be keeping schtum - or Schaumburg, which is what my iPhone would like me to write. The hiatus will probably end soon, whether that's a good or bad thing remains to be seen.
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P.s What is Schaumburg??!
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P.s What is Schaumburg??!
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