Internet Dating - a whole new world of fuckery...

Recently, I decided to take a wander into the world of internet dating.  I've been there before, and it was so good that it made an entry into Crap Dates (available in all good bookshops).  I know friends that have done it, and found boyfriends, and husbands.  With nothing to lose, I decided to sign up to a free site.  I was registered for just over two weeks, and can hand on heart say, it is not for me, and I shan't be doing it again.  I have never had so many short conversations in such a short space of time, with so many different people.  I was receiving up to 50 messages a day, which provided a great deal of entertainment at work!  Some regular, some quite blatantly cut and pasted to everyone, and some downright rude.  I realised that there are a lot of single angry people out there.  I lost count of the number of profiles that I read where all people did was list what they were not looking for, and talk about how fucked up women are.  I have been assured by the few seemingly sane men that I spoke to, that most women's profiles were the same.  How can you possibly hope to attract someone by being so negative from the start?  I really could talk about it all day long, it's just a minefield of fuckery, fuckery that I just can't my head around.  A friend and I came up with a theory a few years ago, that if you reached your late 20's without ever being in a serious relationship, then you were flawed, however, if you had been, and came out the other side, you were damaged goods, and I hate to admit it, but from those 2 weeks, I'd say we got it spot on.  I'm at a point in my life where I would like to meet someone, and dare I say it, even settle down,  but I don't think, for me, that the internet is the place to find it...  

Having a go at someone because they don't put 'x' on the end of a message?  Completely rational of course, I was a little disappointed in this one, up until he said he was a gypsy he seemed relatively normal.  

I'm not sure that a waxwork of MC Harvey exists, but if it does, this is it.  There is no way that this is a photo of a real person. 

 I'm just an everyday guy, that doesn't want you to see my face... No, I am sure there is no predatory reason behind that at all. 

 Traditional 'having a conversation with yourself' syndrome here. I know, I really missed out on this one.  I don't even think I was online when these messages were sent. 

Self explanatory - I only wish you could see the accompanying photograph, the man had sexual assault written through him like a stick of rock. 

Back to the drawing board.... 

Mum of the Year...?

Sorry Mums, it's your turn today.  Now, I am a mum myself of course, but I am not the kind of mum I am talking about here.  I am sure we all know these type of woman, so enamoured are they by their precious little darling, that they feel it necessary to share precious little darlings every waking move.  Well, sorry mumzilla's but I am not interested.  I don't care if darling Percy just recreated the Sistine chapel in his bowl of muesli & freshly foraged berries, nor if Jacinta is reciting 1 to 10 in French, whilst pirouetting across the floor in such a way that Darcy Bussell is quaking in her pointe shoes, all at the tender age of 9 months.  I am not saying you shouldn't enjoy these moments, you absolutely should, the pertinent word there being 'you'.  If you continue bombarding your social networking sites several times a day with this drivel, our friendship, be it online or real life, shall soon be terminated.  As an aside, if your children are that talented, I'd pop out a couple more and make sure you are set up for early retirement.

Moving swiftly on, I was disappointed yesterday when the Mum of the Year nominees were announced to see that I, again, had not made the list.  There are a few names on the list, where yes, I suppose, if some dimwit somewhere needs a mum figure in the public eye to look up to, then these are acceptable.  However, there are some names that really should not be on that list.  First and foremost?  Peaches Geldof.  Wow, look at her, carrying a child, and erm, yeah, thats it, it's not even born, so it's a stupid nomination.  STUPID.

Speaking of stupid, Chloe Sims?  Would this be the same Chloe Sims that was seen on TV last week discussing that her 6 year old daughter has 4 blackberrys?  And this week saying that she is happy for her to have plastic surgery?  Christ, let the poor love grow up before you force that body dysmorphia, from which Chloe clearly suffers, down her throat.  What happened to children being children?

Next up we have Natalie Cassidy.  Natalie Cassidy, that last year severed ties with father of her daughter for assaulting her with a mascara wand and a slipper and is now reconciling with aforementioned alcoholic wand brandishing slipper beater?  What an example to set to people, best of all, your own daughter. 

Denise Welsh - Another stellar example of an amazing mother - I mean, what 10 year boy doesn't want to see him mum in the press with her saggy tatas continually on display?  It really does show how much she puts her kids first doesn't it?  Natasha Giggs too, was clearly putting the needs of her children first when she spent 10 years fucking their uncle, and then going on to tell the world about it.  Not embarrassing for them at all I bet!

I could go on, but I feel my point is made.  These people should not be looked up to as shining beacons of how to be the perfect muvva, anything but, they are the absolute anti-thesis.  If anything, collectively they should be writing a book 'how to be a shit parent'.  I am not saying everyone should be perfect, far from, and I am most definitely not.  However, what I get up to in my private time is exactly that, private.

It's February... how the hell did that happen?

And the winner of the lamest blogger in January goes to..... Drumroll please....

Yes, of course, it's me.

A whole month has passed, and what have I been doing? Well, here a brief (90 minutes later, it is not that brief - cheers blogger) synopsis by the medium of the photographic picture.

I laughed at some stuff...

Facebook dropped heavy hints that it wants me to hook up with some hot religious guys..

I've not given it much thought, but it's always an option.

Speaking of all things lovelife related, a book was published about crap dates, funnily enough, it is called Crap Dates, and yes, if you turn to page 110, yours truly features, quite pleased about that, never been in a book before!

I got breakfast in bed... in the loosest possible sense....

Groupon announced a deal, you could get a marmite print for £20... I made one for free, I bet you could too. It doesn't have to be Marmite, I'm not condimentist.

I watched some TV.. this crank with a face like well baked leather tried to teach me facial exercises on GMTV.

If it makes you look like that, I will give it a miss thanks.

Yes, I do still call it GMTV, and I strongly believe that you should too.

I also watched the Jeremy Kyle Show. What a pair of beauties they are, really make me believe in true love.

I missed what was possibly the best round of Countdown ever...

I did my geography homework. I haven't got my mark yet, but I bet it will be awesome. I often wonder why I didnt enjoy homework when I was actually at school as much as I do completing my sons instead...

A lot of time was spent looking at my kitten, ain't she cute? Lets face it, if something this cute was in your life, you'd spend a lot of time watching her too (and taking photos and videos).

Every day I think about my beautiful friend, and how much I miss her.

I read up on grief a lot, because I don't think I am very good at it. I also spend a lot of time listening to a playlist specifically full of songs that remind me of her which make me cry. Then I read things like this, and I dont feel so bad for still being so upset.

I got a certificate in work.

I honestly believe people would work harder if certificates like this were more common place. I also think there is a place in every work environment for medals, and badges.

I had a massive clearout, and found what was once my favourite bag. It cost a lot of money, and its hideous. I have questionable taste.

Then there was the weather, I spent a whole Saturday waiting for a tree to blow down.

It didn't.

The snow came, as did all the obligatory tweets and facebook updates about it. So I took a lot of photos. This one is my favourite.

Ewan built a snowman.

v

When I came home from work the next day, there was no snowman, but there was a note, and what was supposed to look like blood in the snow.. my son has a macabre sense of humour.

Lastly, I celebrated my birthday in January. I celebrated it in bed. On my own. Being sick. All day. Thats fine, it means it didn't count, and I am still 31.

Finally, today, my birthday present arrived.

Hello new healthy lifestyle.... maybe.

Zelebrity Fitness Fuckery

Two blogs in one day? Like the ambassador, I really am spoiling you. Todays real rant is about 'Celebrity (and I use that term loosely) Fitness DVD's.

These days, your not anybody until you've got a fitness DVD out, and I just think it takes the piss!! You can't watch anything without some vapid twat popping up to tell you that with thier routine they managed to turn thier flabby gut from fat to fab. Only, it's bollocks isnt it. None of these women ever managed to transform thier figures by these stupid DVDs alone, so why are they allowed to purport that they are?!

Kerry Katona, Hannah Waterman, Jennifer Ellison, Natalie Cassidy, Colleen Nolan, Jessie Wallace, Christine Bleakley, Geri Halliwell, the list goes on and on and on.

Of course Kerry Katona was going to lose weight, not living on a diet of kebabs chips and currys and also going to intensive bootcamps will do that for you.

Hannah Waterman and Natalie Cassidy have both since come forward to say that they hated being thin as thier DVD body, and the maintenance was too much.

I am convinced, that these dozy mares pile on the pounds on purpose, just so they can like the caterpillar from the chrysalis emerge as a beautiful butterfly, ready to show thier new marvellousness to the world.

Apparently Crissy Rock is going to be doing one.. surely it will only be 2 minutes long, as thats all it takes to say 'go into the jungle and dont eat for 3 weeks, the pounds will fall off'.

Don't even get me started on the silly bints with eating disorders that bring them out - Geri Body Yoga anyone? Body yoga?! Is there any other kind?! And as for Jordan and her juicing diet?! Of course you are going to be the size of a rake if you subsitute meals for juice, its common bloody sense.

I really can't understand the sort of person that gets drawn into this web, and actually purchases these items? It's simple... want to lose weight.. eat less, move more.

Now where did I put those chocolate digestives....

2011... Thank you and fuck you.

Well, it's that time of year, we all roll out the cliches, yeah, next year is going to be the best ever! Woooo let's all high five. What if it isn't though? What if, completely out of your control, your whole world cataclysmicly implodes? How do you get over that? No really, how? 2011 has been the worst year for me, ever. Believe me, there have been a few contenders. The difference between those years and this, is, that when things went wrong before, I was instrumental to that, I made the wrong choices, I fucked up, I learnt from it.

In February, I nearly lost my sister, after a long hospital battle, she is fine, and it's amazing that she's still here, but it doesn't take away the horrendous moment when a doctor tells you that he's basically fighting to keep alive someone you'd been talking to less than an hour before. That's something I shall never get over, ever. However, she's alive, she's doing well, and I'm grateful.

I've also lost my best friend 5 weeks ago, and that's something I know I won't recover from. The pain and the anger that I feel can not be put into words, nor can the huge hole in my life that's been left. The regrets, and guilt I feel will stay with me. There is nothing anyone can say that will change the way I currently feel.

I know in time, that the cliches that people keep saying to me will actually become reality, but at the moment, thats all they are, cliches.

Thats not to say this year has been all bad, it's had its good parts too, it's just that I am finding it difficult to focus on them at the moment. However, I know that I can not continue moping, and that the new year is a new start, where I shall attempt to be me again, and actually live my life rather than just exist. I know that the only person that can make me feel better is me.

Merry Fucking Christmas

Apologies once again for the fuckery hiatus (for those of you that actually give a fuck) one of my closest friends passed away 3 weeks ago, and to say I am devastated doesn't even come close.

However, I shall endevour to blog more next year, what a little treat that will be for one and all.... if I have any readers left by then....

Until then, I shall leave you with this....

xx

It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday...

Rebecca Black you little.. no, must not call a child a bitch.. ok, Rebecca Blacks mother, you little bitch, why oh why did you ever let your daughter record a song? It's stuck in my head and will not go away! If you're reading this, and know the song, I hope it sticks with you for the day too. I don't see why I should be alone in my plight. I suppose it could be worse, I was singing the Fireman Sam theme tune the other day, obviously, because you can not ignore, Sam is the hero next door.


Anyway.... moving swiftly on, Sepp Blatter is a prick isn't he! And fairly obviously corrupt - can't they just get rid of him? Stupid little man.


Back on the driving thing again, and I apologise, but there are so many driving related things that wind me up, today, it's crawler lanes. Not the lane itself, but the people that can not use them. Don't drive up the right hand lane at a snails pace and expect me not to beep and gesticulate at you, just move in and get out my fucking way! You could tell me I sound like an aggressive driver, and of course I would stick 2 fingers up and tell you to fuck off.. Aggressive? Me? Never.




Have you watched Eastenders recently? I did it last night. 30 minutes of my life I will never get back. I am pretty sure it was the same episode as last time I watched it.. Kat cheated on Alfie, gave the dirty girl speech. All very sad. Janine had an argument with Fat Pat, told Pat she felt she'd never been loved. All very sad. Phil Mitchell did some crimes. Feels remorseful, all very sad. Michael Moon is a mixed up wee child. All very sad. Recurring theme here? Why do people watch this tripe? Why do we pay for this tripe? Can it and give me an extra series of Frozen Planet. Eastenders will just never be a patch on Corrie.




And lastly... did you get excited yesterday by the launch of Versace for H&M? If you did, please explain to me, why? Now I am no fashionista, I know what looks good on me, and I tend to stick to it. I do know however, when a collection is full of crap. To me, that's exactly what this was. A massive ploy to rip off desperate consumers, whilst making them look like complete idiotic sheep. Seriously, if tacky is your thing, get down to your local indoor market, there are plenty of stalls that will give you a very similar look for a fraction of the price. Just because something is pricey, does not automatically mean it looks good. Don't get me wrong, I am sure there are one or two items which are alright, but I for one can not get excited about it. I was watching LK today (or whatever it's called now) on Wednesday, and Lorraine and Mark Heyes were practically orgasming over a black Versace dress. It was a joke. Go purchase yourself a regular black shift dress, next visit the haberdashers for some oversize gold buttons, sew them to previously purchased shift dress - job done, the same look for a fraction of the price. I couldn't view the whole collection as the H&M site was down for most of the day, but I did come across this little beauty.







If you see any man wearing this ensemble, I implore you to point and laugh. If he looks too offended, just go and shake his hand. If it works for Sepp Blatter.......