Fuckery hiatus....

Unfortunately, there are a few fuckery issues occurring in my life at the moment, and every time I go to write, these things come to the forefront of my mind. They're not issues I can blog about, so until I get over them, I'll be keeping schtum - or Schaumburg, which is what my iPhone would like me to write. The hiatus will probably end soon, whether that's a good or bad thing remains to be seen.

X

P.s What is Schaumburg??!

A whole week of fuckery.

Hello. I've been ill. Not seriously ill, but enough to make me feel incredibly sorry for myself and wallowsome. That doesn't mean I want pity or concern from anybody else though. When I speak like a cross between an alsatian and Deirdre Barlow, looking at me an saying 'aw' or expressing any form of sympathy may well result in a punch in the face. Just so you know, for next time. Anyway, my dulcet un-Mariella Frostrup-esque tones are back to normal now. Which is nice, because it means I wont have people ringing me up just to tell me how husky and sexy I sound. I shit you not, and of course, one of these people was the cretin from my creepy colleague blog which can be found here

Help Harry Help Others...

I can not do my regular ranty thing today, my thoughts are consumed by Harry Moseley.
If you don't know, he is a wee boy, aged 11, with an inoperable brain tumour. Harry set up his own business, selling bracelets, to make money for cancer research. Such a completely selfless act, in the face of adversity, this strong young man thought only of helping others in his position. Harry has made his final journey home, to spend his last days with his family this morning. The last tweet from his mum said he was still going strong. What a brave brave little soldier. If you read this, please take a minute to read www.twitter.com/harry_moseley and then look at his website, www.helpharryhelpothers.com please give, even just £2 to help Harry, and others like him, whose lives are being taken far too soon. Keep fighting Harry, I have every faith in you kid. xxx

Zeleb red carpet 'fashion'.....

I've just been scanning the red carpet pics from the Pride of Britain awards tonight, by jove there are some horrors. There were a few frights to be seen at the soap awards last week too.. Here are my pick of the worst. I'm lifting these pics directly from the Daily Fail... dunno if thats allowed... time will tell!!

First up.... the reason I am writing this blog tonight... AMY CHILDS. Lets just take a minute to observe...

Any words? Anyone? No? Shall we start with what the fuck? Again Ms Childs has decided to hang the dress off of her tatas, has she not realised yet that this is a terrible look?? Get that dress hoiked up love. Perhaps she needs to display her tatas to detract from the horrific cut and colour of the dress. Now, what the hell is going on with her face? It's as if shes put loose powder under her eyes to catch shadow, then forgot to remove it, she looks caspars long lost eyebag twin. The rest of her obviously can not be compared to Caspar, permatan Ronseal Mahogany as stantard. Lastly, the eyes, dead as usual... In short, she looks fucking awful. (Don't worry, not all the comments will be this long).

BRONAGH WAUGH

There is literally nothing that can be said about the hair. It is what it is. (thats bloody awful btw). Oh Bronagh, your not a big girl, but you do not dress well. Bum cleavage is never a good look. NEVER. Lift, and seperate... try it! Shiny tights? Really?? Surely its about time they banned these from sale apart from in profressional dance shops... if you are not appearing on Strictly, you should not be wearing them.

CARLY STENSON



Carly love, the 90's called, they want their clothes back. The dip died hair may have just about been pulled off, if it wasnt in that dreadful style, and the dress? Really!?! Maybe Carly has magic mirrors in her house...

DENISE AND CHUMS



They must have really pissed off thier stylists - Andrea, you are not at the Oscars. Denise, cover up your potato knees. Lisa, I am confused... you appear to be wearing a young boys PE shorts... and it does not look good.

HILARY DEVEY



In the same way that no-one wants to see Denise Welchs knees, no-one wants to see your saggy tatas Hilary, at your age, you really should have some decorum.

CHELSEE HEALEY (?)



Who invited Lil Kim to the soap awards!?!?!

UNA SATURDAY (Of course that's her real surname)



Just goes to show you, black satin looks good on no-one! Another thing that should be banned.

The unfortunate thing is, that all of the above could look stunning, in the right ensemble, with the right hair and make-up, so how do they all get it so wrong?? Fuckery club of rogue stylists? I'd put money on it....

And finally...

DANNY MAC



Yeah, so nothing wrong with what he is wearing, nothing at all! He's just a fine specimen of a man, and I thought it would be a nice end to this post!

Welfare State Fuckery and looking like a twat... again.

I started writing this particular post about 5 days ago.. distractions of a social life, a broken laptop, and the fact that I know as I am writing I am ranting uncontrollably have hindered me somewhat. Broken laptop, haha, there's some fuckery if ever there was. One night last week, my laptop announced with a crackle and pop that it no longer wanted to play, and died. I switched it back on, the same thing happened. Went for a 3rd attempt, same result. I didn't want to break her any further, so I placed her in a soft warm dry place to keep her safe until I could go and see the man in the know. Yesterday was that day. Took the laptop in, explained the story, with slight colouration of the cheeks, as this chap already has another one of my laptops, which he is trying to source a replacement keyboard for (how was I to know she wouldn't enjoy being doused in wine as much as I do!?!) So without further ado, he opens her up, switches her on, and we wait..... and we wait..... so what exactly seems to be the problem?? She works!!! It's like the second coming of Christ! For me anyway! Of course, now I look like a complete and utter fucknut in a shop full of people, taking something in for repair which clearly works! One day, I will get through a full 24 hours without making a twat of myself.

So Ed Miliband spoke to the nation this week, told us that Britain was ‘rewarding the wrong people with the wrong values’. In a nutshell, yes, and who started this fuckery? That’s right, Ed’s band of merry men, admittedly they were following a different piper at the time. I really dislike the Britain that we live in today, it makes me really sad to see so many children growing up with the same mentalities that their parents have instilled into them. There are far too many families in this country sponging off the state, soaking up our taxes, and for what? A flatscreen TV and endless re-runs of Jeremy Kyle? Yes, you dole bludgers, I am angry with you, and angry with whoever made you think that its acceptable to just do nothing with your life other than pop out children like a fucking machine gun. I do appreciate that benefits are in a lot of cases, necessary, and that there are genuinely times when people are unable to find work and do need support. Similarly, there are people that have never worked a day in their lives, and never intend to. I seriously believe that you can not afford to support a child by yourself then you should not be allowed to have one. I know that goes against all the human rights namby pamby rubbish that we are forcefed on a regular basis, but frankly, I do not care. I can’t imagine ever not encouraging my son to be the best that he can be, which I imagine can not happen in a lot of these households. Children having babies at the ripe old age of 14/15 is a far too common occurrence in this country, and having had a child when I was a teenager myself, I feel that I am equipped to speak on this subject. Whilst there may be children that at that age are more emotionally able to raise a child, I would put money on the fact that the majority are not. I know I wasn’t. There are still times when I think I am not. The one thing that sets me apart from a lot of these people is that I work. I always have. I have not always wanted to, but I knew that I had to provide for my son, that I wanted to live in a nice area, that I wanted to be proud of myself, and that if I had taken the easy route of state handouts, I would not be, in fact, I would be downright ashamed of myself. I know I am not the only person that’s annoyed with these lazy bastards, in fact, I should think that most working, tax paying citizens are annoyed. Why are the government not doing something to stop this scourge?! Make people work for benefits, community service etc, it would certainly separate the wheat from the chaff, most genuine claimants would more than likely not mind this, as they are already in the work mindset, and surely also, would help people’s moral if they were made redundant, having a sense of purpose, whilst job hunting. Any political party wanting my vote really has to make a stand against these disgraceful people. Things come to easily to those that are least deserving, and it's about time that changed. We, the worker of 'Great' Britain, should be rewarded, if for reasons beyond our control, we are no longer working, then yes, we should be entitled to help, but those who have never contributed to the system? Fuck off. It's akin to theft. Get off your lazy arse, get out there, get a job and make your children proud, give them something to aspire to, and if not, at least stop shagging, keep your legs closed and make your contribution that way. I could go off on a tangent now, about the 'justice system, but I think I'll save that rant for another day.

Michael Fish & his gang of merry liars...

Firstly, I am on adverts, again, but, someone please explain to me what the fucking fuck the Toyota adverts are all about?? 'Got a machine that makes pasta' Fuck off. Just fuck off. Cars don't make pasta you complete cockend. Cars don't have anything to do with pasta. It's so ridiculous, and ultimately, extremely annoying.

Anyway, this Indian summer is a bit of alright isn't it..... erm, yeah, it's just like any other September. Fucking miserable. We all know what Septembers are like, it's not the first one we have lived through, so why do people keep going on about the bastard weather!? Nothing else to talk about? Talk about the weather. No, nothing else to talk about? Keep it shut. How can Indian Summer be a trending topic on twitter? Do people really have so little going on in their lives? I personally think that the weather presenters all have little get-togethers where they decide to play tricks on us, knowing that September is a really rubbishy month, decided it would be hilarious to whip us all up into a frenzy by promising sun and warmth. Fuck reading/watching/listening to the weather, I find, looking out the window or venturing outside to be the best method of finding out whats going on out there.

Did we all watch X Factor this weekend? Don't you think that Kitty girl just needs to fuck off? I am pretty certain I saw A LOT of her vajayjay last night, more than once. It's quite sad really, that she thinks the only way she can get noticed is to dress like a slapper and flash her fandola. She's quite clearly another Katie Weasel, and we all hated her, don't these people watch the previous shows and learn?? As for that Goldie one? I have no words, just proves my suspicions of Louis Walsh are correct, he is a complete cocknocker, and is also tone deaf. That said, I will still be watching every week, because I love a circus.

Lastly, just because I am watching Corrie, Leanne Barlow has a mouth like a cats bum preserved in vinegar, and Rosie Webster a model? Fuck off. To coin Zoolander, a model idiot.

Can't read my, can't read my, no you can't read my Fuckery....

because I have been to bloody busy to write anything! Apologies fuckfans, but I am back with you now. Hurrah hurrah!

Well I am a bit late with this, but how bloody boring was Downton Abbey??? I was disappointed, it could have easily been fit into an hour. The only saving grace, was Dame Maggie Smith and her fab one-liners. For that reason, I will be watching again, but if Rob James Collier doesn't get his kit off soon, I will be really upset! At the very least he needs more airtime. A lot more airtime. When they killed off his character in Corrie, I was devastated... less said about my Corrie obsession the better. Moving swiftly on.....

Can anyone explain 'fun fur' to me?? There is nothing fun about it, it looks shite. I got an email fro ASOS the other day, look at the bloody state of it! If I wanted to look like a twat, I'd just write TWAT on my head and be done with it.

I am laughing at that photo, its ludicrous, she looks stupid. If I see anyone wearing these fun fur armwarmers, I will laugh in their face. Eejits.

My last little rant is about the DVLA. Have you ever tried to contact them by phone? I do not recommend it. Talk about frustrating. No less than 4 minutes 19 seconds of options before I could actually speak to someone, and that was my second attempt. Total fuckery. Have people not come to the realisation yet that these automated pick an option robots serve one purpose and one purpose only - to wind people up. Fair enough to pick the department you need, but to press 1 if a document is with you, 2 if it is not!? Bloody hell, if your phone operators cant ask that then they really need to be in another job.

I was going to write a bit about Beverley Callard and her pals getting thier kit off in protest at ageism in TV, but I just can't find the words. Utter Fuckery.