Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

I've got this colleague, we'll call him Peter. Peter is the biggest buffoon I have ever met. Last week I had to give up my office to make way for a new staff member (unfair much!?), and now I am back in a shared office. Sitting next to Peter.

You know the phrase 'full of hot air', well Peter is the epitomy of this. He guffaws and chunters almost constantly, I suspect that indeed, he may actually be full of hot air. There can be no other explanation for the ungodly amount of noise that he makes.

When Peter isn't chuntering or guffawing, he is talking to himself. Loudly. He talks to himself in such a manner, that you know it's for show. It's an 'oh I'm so busy and I want the world to know it' not, talking himself quietly and methodically through what he needs to get done.

Not one incident can pass without over dramatisation. I've been sitting next to Peter for 5 days now, and I can not accurately articulate just how much he winds me up. 

Peter winding me isn't a new phenomenon, he has always got on my tits, but previously when I've heard his bellowing and guffawing,  I've been able to laugh it off and take the piss, but now, it's in my face, for 8  long, torturous hours a day. 

Peter has a multitude of ridiculous phrases, which he trots out several times during the course of the day.  I swear, Ricky Gervais could have used Peter as inspiration for David Brent. 

When entering the office 'Hallo Peeps' (huge emphasis on both words) We work in an office, not some low budget afternoon game show. 

When leaving the office 'Sees yah' (again, huge emphasis on both words, usually accompanied by some overly gestured wave.  

Peter is the kind of person that will ring you and say 'Sorry to catch you on the hop' Erm, firstly, how do you know that the person on the other end of the phone is hopping?! Secondly, if you were really sorry, you wouldn't be bloody phoning them! 

Spank you instead of thank you - this Isn't just once, it's every. Single. Time. 

Belt and Braces. He likes to use this to let you know that he has covered every eventuality.  Invariably, he hasn't. 

When a situation arises where bad news has to be given to a customer, he like to say 'Shall we play this one good cop bad cop?' No Peter, we aren't on an American cop show, and I have no desire to play anything with you.  Unless he suggests a game of chicken, which I would happily watch him play. 

Every instruction given to Peter will be responded to with 'clear as mud'.  He thinks this is really funny.  Like, REALLY funny.  Is isn't.

Today, Peter asked what would we do if he got hit by a bus.  My response?  'Celebrate'.  I was being deadly serious.  Peter laughed. 

There are many thing that I would like to say to you....

Here are just a few of the random thoughts that I wish I could actually just say to people, mostly at work, where I am wound up on an almost hourly basis by various people.

I do think at least one day a week, we should all just be able to say what we want, to whom, with no repercussion. Don't you think it would be cathartic? I'm going to suggest Thursdays

'You great lummox, it's 'out' not 'aht'

I loath a broad Derby accent with a passion, it's such a lazy way to talk.

'You're probably thoroughly insulated and therefore not in need of any extra layers'

To anyone complaining about being cold. Including myself.

'I'm fine thanks, as I was the last 4 times you asked me'

Is there ever any need to ask someone more than once if they are alright? I think not.

'Your bum gets better every day.... please spend more time walking past my window'

Just don't wear a diamond earring when you do it.

'There is never any need to get that close to me. Pipe the fuck down'

Invasion of personal space by a colleague is a big fucking deal. Move. Away.

'Are you fucking kidding me?'

In Kristen Wiig voice, several times throughout everyday, to several people


'Did you cut your hair with gardening shears?'

I think the standard with haircuts should be, compliment if you actually like, ignore if you don't. On this one though, I was asked outright for my opinion.

'Just fucking listen to me'

to my son, all day, every day. Kids. Meh.

'I can see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is bla bla bla'

To people that talk for the sake of it, I think we all know them, hey, some may even say I am one of them!

' Walk into my office singing one more time and I will launch a heavy object at your head.'

Self explantory. Just stop being such a dick.

'Oh look, you've updated your employment on Facebook to 'Yummy Mummy at Mummies R Us', what a grade A c*nt you are'

This doesnt make you cutesy, or mumsy, it just makes you cuntsy. See also writing status' about potty training. No one else cares.

'Nudge my chair as you walk past me one more time and I shall break your face.'

I suppose I should point out that I don't advocate violence, nor do I really know how to break someone's face.

Needless to say, I am irritated.

The one where you realise that your life has turned to shit...

And that no-one really cares...

Ok, that could be a slight over dramatisation, but actually, it's probably more accurate than you think. That in itself is a sad admission.

So here I am again, another weekend, spent alone, wondering exactly when things got so go damn lonely? I've been on a downward spiral since before Christmas, and I really need it to stop. Over the last two weeks particularly, I have recognised that I've been making bad decisions, and to combat this, I've been retreating to my bed. That isn't healthy. Especially when I want to stay there, all the time. To get up every day, is a struggle, and something that you just have to get over when you have a child to look after. I don't want him to look back on his teenage years and only remember his mum being in bed and crying.

You may think I am being dramatic, but really, I'm not, even my friends would rather socialise with pensioners. You think I'm exaggerating? I'm not.

I still miss Jenny, it comes and goes, but recently I feel like I am being hit with waves of emotion, and the smallest things remind me of her, and they overwhelm and consume me, and I wish for just one moment that life could rewind to when we were 17 and we could both do things differently. Would different choices have led us to be friends again? Perhaps not, who knows.

As for work, well, it's not even worth writing about so far fetched and ridiculous it has got. However, I'm taking steps to rectify that, and fully intend to throw myself into my next project entirely, I need to regain focus, and have something to aim for. Will I succeed? I bloody hope so.

This has been Nicola Mackenzie, feeling VERY sorry for herself, and I hope that next time I write, I shan't be.

Dear Facebook....

Social networks are brilliant.  You can catch up with people without having to actually talk to them, and keep up with current affairs with minimal effort.  You can also get annoyed.  Incredibly annoyed.  There are many social media trends which wind me up to f*ck, and I am going to share my top 5 with you.  I know what you'll be thinking, just leave Facebook/Twitter, but, for all its foibles, it's useful, and where else am I going to share picture of my cats! 

This list is not exhaustive, and in no particular order.  If you do any of these things, don't be offended, be smug in the knowledge that each time you do them, you are pissing me off, and that really, I'm the one with the issue. 

Food pictures.  Unless it looks mouthwatering, and as though created by Michel Roux Jr, then you're just showing yourself up.  Stop it.  Same applies for cups of tea/coffee. Seriously, they all look the same, and though I have been guilty of this one myself on more than one occasion, glasses of wine.  Just bore off with that.  Taking pictures of gin in a tin is a different matter entirely.  Classy people drink cocktails in a can, and this is something which should be celebrated. 

Girls 'marrying' each other on Facebook, and referring to each other as 'Wifey'.  What are you?  12?  The only statement that this makes, is that you're a bit of a dick. 

Talking about how 'perfect' your life is.  Look, secretly, we all want people to think we've got our shit together, and that we all lead perfect lives.  That simply isn't true though.  If life was that great, you'd be living it, not vicariously sharing it with anyone who will listen. 

Which leads me nicely to 'I love my iccle wiccle family/husband/pet goat.  We get it ok, and frankly, no-one really cares.  Start going through some marital strife, and sharing it, then we'll pay attention. Got to love a good episode of Facebook-enders. 

Ambiguous statuses followed by 'I can't talk about it on here'.  Well don't then! You absolute Geoffrey. 

And lastly, these breast cancer emails.  Tell me what colour knickers you are wearing and then we can both feel good about ourselves for promoting breast cancer?  Someone please explain to me, by using fruit as an analogy for your relationship status, how are you raising awareness of breast cancer?  You are only raising awareness that you are a bit of a plum. 

Please do share with me what irritates you, unless of course it's people blogging about what annoys them on social networks.  

The one where I talk about grief.

grief/grēf/

Noun:

Deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death. Trouble or annoyance. Or... as I like to call it, the worst feeling in the world.  That feeling that , even when things are going well, is always there, always with me.  That huge Jenny shaped whole in my life that just can not be filled. It's been 366 days (it was a leap year) since that awful night when, with no official confirmation, I knew that life would never be the same again.  People say that time heals, but I disagree.  Time merely allows you the ability to cope better with your emotions, and compartmentalise them, it does not heal.  When you lose someone that you dearly love, I do not believe that you heal from that loss.  Over the last year, I've learnt that grief is not an emotion in itself, it's a spectrum, that brings with it a vast amount of other emotions, and the times at which you experience them, have no rhyme or reason.  I've felt the deepest of anger, guilt, sadness, and on the flipside, my happiness is skewed, because of the out of kilterness of my other emotions.  I am sure I could have put that more eloquently... however, I digress.  The hardest thing about grief, is not having the opportunity to the tell the person that matters the most, the things that they really need to hear.  That's what saddens me the most, the things unsaid, that we assume people know, so never take the time to actually put into words.  I suppose the only thing that I have learned, is that there is never a bad time to tell someone how much they mean to you.

Internet Dating - a whole new world of fuckery...

Recently, I decided to take a wander into the world of internet dating.  I've been there before, and it was so good that it made an entry into Crap Dates (available in all good bookshops).  I know friends that have done it, and found boyfriends, and husbands.  With nothing to lose, I decided to sign up to a free site.  I was registered for just over two weeks, and can hand on heart say, it is not for me, and I shan't be doing it again.  I have never had so many short conversations in such a short space of time, with so many different people.  I was receiving up to 50 messages a day, which provided a great deal of entertainment at work!  Some regular, some quite blatantly cut and pasted to everyone, and some downright rude.  I realised that there are a lot of single angry people out there.  I lost count of the number of profiles that I read where all people did was list what they were not looking for, and talk about how fucked up women are.  I have been assured by the few seemingly sane men that I spoke to, that most women's profiles were the same.  How can you possibly hope to attract someone by being so negative from the start?  I really could talk about it all day long, it's just a minefield of fuckery, fuckery that I just can't my head around.  A friend and I came up with a theory a few years ago, that if you reached your late 20's without ever being in a serious relationship, then you were flawed, however, if you had been, and came out the other side, you were damaged goods, and I hate to admit it, but from those 2 weeks, I'd say we got it spot on.  I'm at a point in my life where I would like to meet someone, and dare I say it, even settle down,  but I don't think, for me, that the internet is the place to find it...  

Having a go at someone because they don't put 'x' on the end of a message?  Completely rational of course, I was a little disappointed in this one, up until he said he was a gypsy he seemed relatively normal.  

I'm not sure that a waxwork of MC Harvey exists, but if it does, this is it.  There is no way that this is a photo of a real person. 

 I'm just an everyday guy, that doesn't want you to see my face... No, I am sure there is no predatory reason behind that at all. 

 Traditional 'having a conversation with yourself' syndrome here. I know, I really missed out on this one.  I don't even think I was online when these messages were sent. 

Self explanatory - I only wish you could see the accompanying photograph, the man had sexual assault written through him like a stick of rock. 

Back to the drawing board.... 

Mum of the Year...?

Sorry Mums, it's your turn today.  Now, I am a mum myself of course, but I am not the kind of mum I am talking about here.  I am sure we all know these type of woman, so enamoured are they by their precious little darling, that they feel it necessary to share precious little darlings every waking move.  Well, sorry mumzilla's but I am not interested.  I don't care if darling Percy just recreated the Sistine chapel in his bowl of muesli & freshly foraged berries, nor if Jacinta is reciting 1 to 10 in French, whilst pirouetting across the floor in such a way that Darcy Bussell is quaking in her pointe shoes, all at the tender age of 9 months.  I am not saying you shouldn't enjoy these moments, you absolutely should, the pertinent word there being 'you'.  If you continue bombarding your social networking sites several times a day with this drivel, our friendship, be it online or real life, shall soon be terminated.  As an aside, if your children are that talented, I'd pop out a couple more and make sure you are set up for early retirement.

Moving swiftly on, I was disappointed yesterday when the Mum of the Year nominees were announced to see that I, again, had not made the list.  There are a few names on the list, where yes, I suppose, if some dimwit somewhere needs a mum figure in the public eye to look up to, then these are acceptable.  However, there are some names that really should not be on that list.  First and foremost?  Peaches Geldof.  Wow, look at her, carrying a child, and erm, yeah, thats it, it's not even born, so it's a stupid nomination.  STUPID.

Speaking of stupid, Chloe Sims?  Would this be the same Chloe Sims that was seen on TV last week discussing that her 6 year old daughter has 4 blackberrys?  And this week saying that she is happy for her to have plastic surgery?  Christ, let the poor love grow up before you force that body dysmorphia, from which Chloe clearly suffers, down her throat.  What happened to children being children?

Next up we have Natalie Cassidy.  Natalie Cassidy, that last year severed ties with father of her daughter for assaulting her with a mascara wand and a slipper and is now reconciling with aforementioned alcoholic wand brandishing slipper beater?  What an example to set to people, best of all, your own daughter. 

Denise Welsh - Another stellar example of an amazing mother - I mean, what 10 year boy doesn't want to see him mum in the press with her saggy tatas continually on display?  It really does show how much she puts her kids first doesn't it?  Natasha Giggs too, was clearly putting the needs of her children first when she spent 10 years fucking their uncle, and then going on to tell the world about it.  Not embarrassing for them at all I bet!

I could go on, but I feel my point is made.  These people should not be looked up to as shining beacons of how to be the perfect muvva, anything but, they are the absolute anti-thesis.  If anything, collectively they should be writing a book 'how to be a shit parent'.  I am not saying everyone should be perfect, far from, and I am most definitely not.  However, what I get up to in my private time is exactly that, private.