What's getting on my tits this week....

Hello fuckery fans, what can I say? I am a bad blogger! None of this 3 blogs a day lark plus 90 tweets a day to tell you about it from me!

Quality, not quantity. Or, in this case, neither, just neurotic rambling from moi!

Well, you’re here now, you might as well find out whats been annoying me this week.

Numero uno! Drivers with their fog lights on when its not fucking foggy! A light drizzle of rain should not impede your vision whilst driving. If it does, may I suggest you rescind your driving license and get on a fucking bus instead.

2. Christmas countdowns. Highly unnecessary, utterly annoying, just shut the fuck up. We all know when Christmas is, it’s the same date every year regardless. Always has been, more than likely always will be. For those that do struggle, there’s even an advent calendar to help you countdown the days. I know people get excited about it, me too, I freaking love Christmas, but, I love Christmas on Christmas day, not any other day, I don’t spend months getting excited about it, and I’d really like others to stop to. Talk to me in December. Oh, and put your decorations up before 1st December?? I will never speak to you again, because frankly, you are an idiot.

3. Derby City Council. What a bunch of complete and utter cockends. Derby City Council are strapped for cash. So strapped for cash that they are culling services for those that need them desperately, disabled people, the elderly etc. Closing day centres, care homes, respite facilities, basically, taking away services from those that really need it, and unlike lazy dole-ite bastards, actually do rely on council funding. Nice to know then, in this darkened period of austerity, that we are paying for some lovely plush new offices for the cockends, from our council tax. Also nice to know, that’s we are all paying for Gareth Gates to switch on our Christmas lights this year. Gareth fucking Gates!?? Whoever came up with this idea, you are a complete moron. Why the fuck does anyone want to see a reject from a talent show 10 years ago switch the lights on?? I’d love to know how much we’re wasting on that!

And lastly, soggy lettuce in sandwiches. It’s just fucking unnecessary. M&S if you can’t keep it crisp and fresh, get it the fuck out of your sandwiches.

So, that’s not bad really, only 4 things that got on my tits enough for me to rant.

Ciao bellas

They were married for how long...

Hello fuckerists

I decided that as Kylie has her ‘lovers’, Gaga has her ‘monsters’, Nicole Sherblabla has ‘killers’ and Rihanna has a ‘Navy’, I deserve a name for my (non-existent) band of followers. HELLO FUCKERISTS… kinda catchy don’t you think?? Obvs if it’s good enough for world famous popstars, it’s good enough for me. No? Oh well, tough, it’s staying.

So, everyone is talking about Kim Kardishitwat and her 72 days ‘marriage’… why? Who is she? What does she do? Sweet tit all from what I can see, I think I caught 30 seconds of that Kardashitwat show once. That was enough. I’ve had more interesting catnaps. It just further highlights this celeb culture we live in, where people of no discernible talent are worshipped, and to be honest, I really can’t work out why. Tamara Ecclestone is the next rich twat about to be given a TV show. Why?? Really, why? If you know the answer, or know someone else that does, please let me know. I couldn’t give a fuck about some little rich girl who has never had a care in her life about anything. It’s great that her father made his millions in F1 or whatever, but she hasn’t gone anything, so Tamara, fuck off.

I had been meaning to write about X Factor too.. but the only thing that comes to mind is ‘what a sack of shit’. It’s just really not very good is it. I mean, there isn’t anyone on it that screams talent… mind you, when was the last time there was? Louis’s category is just a joke. Johnny is a nice guy, and I’m sure there is a future for him in PA’s at gay clubs, but I can not see it going further than that. As for Kitty, words fail me – James Harries long lost sister??? It’s all in the eyes! Surely anyone watching Katie Weasel last year would realise that that brooding intense ‘this is my life’ shit does nothing for the great British public. Bring back Darius Danesh, because I can still feel the love in the room.

Lastly, it’s been announced today that Hugh Grant has spawned. All that hoo haa about privacy laws making sense now? Thought so.

Until next time fuck fans.

xx

Fuckery hiatus....

Unfortunately, there are a few fuckery issues occurring in my life at the moment, and every time I go to write, these things come to the forefront of my mind. They're not issues I can blog about, so until I get over them, I'll be keeping schtum - or Schaumburg, which is what my iPhone would like me to write. The hiatus will probably end soon, whether that's a good or bad thing remains to be seen.

X

P.s What is Schaumburg??!

A whole week of fuckery.

Hello. I've been ill. Not seriously ill, but enough to make me feel incredibly sorry for myself and wallowsome. That doesn't mean I want pity or concern from anybody else though. When I speak like a cross between an alsatian and Deirdre Barlow, looking at me an saying 'aw' or expressing any form of sympathy may well result in a punch in the face. Just so you know, for next time. Anyway, my dulcet un-Mariella Frostrup-esque tones are back to normal now. Which is nice, because it means I wont have people ringing me up just to tell me how husky and sexy I sound. I shit you not, and of course, one of these people was the cretin from my creepy colleague blog which can be found here

Help Harry Help Others...

I can not do my regular ranty thing today, my thoughts are consumed by Harry Moseley.
If you don't know, he is a wee boy, aged 11, with an inoperable brain tumour. Harry set up his own business, selling bracelets, to make money for cancer research. Such a completely selfless act, in the face of adversity, this strong young man thought only of helping others in his position. Harry has made his final journey home, to spend his last days with his family this morning. The last tweet from his mum said he was still going strong. What a brave brave little soldier. If you read this, please take a minute to read www.twitter.com/harry_moseley and then look at his website, www.helpharryhelpothers.com please give, even just £2 to help Harry, and others like him, whose lives are being taken far too soon. Keep fighting Harry, I have every faith in you kid. xxx

Zeleb red carpet 'fashion'.....

I've just been scanning the red carpet pics from the Pride of Britain awards tonight, by jove there are some horrors. There were a few frights to be seen at the soap awards last week too.. Here are my pick of the worst. I'm lifting these pics directly from the Daily Fail... dunno if thats allowed... time will tell!!

First up.... the reason I am writing this blog tonight... AMY CHILDS. Lets just take a minute to observe...

Any words? Anyone? No? Shall we start with what the fuck? Again Ms Childs has decided to hang the dress off of her tatas, has she not realised yet that this is a terrible look?? Get that dress hoiked up love. Perhaps she needs to display her tatas to detract from the horrific cut and colour of the dress. Now, what the hell is going on with her face? It's as if shes put loose powder under her eyes to catch shadow, then forgot to remove it, she looks caspars long lost eyebag twin. The rest of her obviously can not be compared to Caspar, permatan Ronseal Mahogany as stantard. Lastly, the eyes, dead as usual... In short, she looks fucking awful. (Don't worry, not all the comments will be this long).

BRONAGH WAUGH

There is literally nothing that can be said about the hair. It is what it is. (thats bloody awful btw). Oh Bronagh, your not a big girl, but you do not dress well. Bum cleavage is never a good look. NEVER. Lift, and seperate... try it! Shiny tights? Really?? Surely its about time they banned these from sale apart from in profressional dance shops... if you are not appearing on Strictly, you should not be wearing them.

CARLY STENSON



Carly love, the 90's called, they want their clothes back. The dip died hair may have just about been pulled off, if it wasnt in that dreadful style, and the dress? Really!?! Maybe Carly has magic mirrors in her house...

DENISE AND CHUMS



They must have really pissed off thier stylists - Andrea, you are not at the Oscars. Denise, cover up your potato knees. Lisa, I am confused... you appear to be wearing a young boys PE shorts... and it does not look good.

HILARY DEVEY



In the same way that no-one wants to see Denise Welchs knees, no-one wants to see your saggy tatas Hilary, at your age, you really should have some decorum.

CHELSEE HEALEY (?)



Who invited Lil Kim to the soap awards!?!?!

UNA SATURDAY (Of course that's her real surname)



Just goes to show you, black satin looks good on no-one! Another thing that should be banned.

The unfortunate thing is, that all of the above could look stunning, in the right ensemble, with the right hair and make-up, so how do they all get it so wrong?? Fuckery club of rogue stylists? I'd put money on it....

And finally...

DANNY MAC



Yeah, so nothing wrong with what he is wearing, nothing at all! He's just a fine specimen of a man, and I thought it would be a nice end to this post!

Welfare State Fuckery and looking like a twat... again.

I started writing this particular post about 5 days ago.. distractions of a social life, a broken laptop, and the fact that I know as I am writing I am ranting uncontrollably have hindered me somewhat. Broken laptop, haha, there's some fuckery if ever there was. One night last week, my laptop announced with a crackle and pop that it no longer wanted to play, and died. I switched it back on, the same thing happened. Went for a 3rd attempt, same result. I didn't want to break her any further, so I placed her in a soft warm dry place to keep her safe until I could go and see the man in the know. Yesterday was that day. Took the laptop in, explained the story, with slight colouration of the cheeks, as this chap already has another one of my laptops, which he is trying to source a replacement keyboard for (how was I to know she wouldn't enjoy being doused in wine as much as I do!?!) So without further ado, he opens her up, switches her on, and we wait..... and we wait..... so what exactly seems to be the problem?? She works!!! It's like the second coming of Christ! For me anyway! Of course, now I look like a complete and utter fucknut in a shop full of people, taking something in for repair which clearly works! One day, I will get through a full 24 hours without making a twat of myself.

So Ed Miliband spoke to the nation this week, told us that Britain was ‘rewarding the wrong people with the wrong values’. In a nutshell, yes, and who started this fuckery? That’s right, Ed’s band of merry men, admittedly they were following a different piper at the time. I really dislike the Britain that we live in today, it makes me really sad to see so many children growing up with the same mentalities that their parents have instilled into them. There are far too many families in this country sponging off the state, soaking up our taxes, and for what? A flatscreen TV and endless re-runs of Jeremy Kyle? Yes, you dole bludgers, I am angry with you, and angry with whoever made you think that its acceptable to just do nothing with your life other than pop out children like a fucking machine gun. I do appreciate that benefits are in a lot of cases, necessary, and that there are genuinely times when people are unable to find work and do need support. Similarly, there are people that have never worked a day in their lives, and never intend to. I seriously believe that you can not afford to support a child by yourself then you should not be allowed to have one. I know that goes against all the human rights namby pamby rubbish that we are forcefed on a regular basis, but frankly, I do not care. I can’t imagine ever not encouraging my son to be the best that he can be, which I imagine can not happen in a lot of these households. Children having babies at the ripe old age of 14/15 is a far too common occurrence in this country, and having had a child when I was a teenager myself, I feel that I am equipped to speak on this subject. Whilst there may be children that at that age are more emotionally able to raise a child, I would put money on the fact that the majority are not. I know I wasn’t. There are still times when I think I am not. The one thing that sets me apart from a lot of these people is that I work. I always have. I have not always wanted to, but I knew that I had to provide for my son, that I wanted to live in a nice area, that I wanted to be proud of myself, and that if I had taken the easy route of state handouts, I would not be, in fact, I would be downright ashamed of myself. I know I am not the only person that’s annoyed with these lazy bastards, in fact, I should think that most working, tax paying citizens are annoyed. Why are the government not doing something to stop this scourge?! Make people work for benefits, community service etc, it would certainly separate the wheat from the chaff, most genuine claimants would more than likely not mind this, as they are already in the work mindset, and surely also, would help people’s moral if they were made redundant, having a sense of purpose, whilst job hunting. Any political party wanting my vote really has to make a stand against these disgraceful people. Things come to easily to those that are least deserving, and it's about time that changed. We, the worker of 'Great' Britain, should be rewarded, if for reasons beyond our control, we are no longer working, then yes, we should be entitled to help, but those who have never contributed to the system? Fuck off. It's akin to theft. Get off your lazy arse, get out there, get a job and make your children proud, give them something to aspire to, and if not, at least stop shagging, keep your legs closed and make your contribution that way. I could go off on a tangent now, about the 'justice system, but I think I'll save that rant for another day.